I've said it before, but life keeps driving the point home: Just because you're finished with treatment and the avalanche of surgeries have stopped, doesn't even begin to mean it's over. Heavens, no.
Side effects of cancer treatment and the hellish reconstruction perch on my shoulder like they're my best friends. I remind myself often that it is better to deal with side effects than be dead. Which is what I would be if not for the chemo and surgeries.
I'm the first to agree: alive is better than dead. Alive with numb fingers and toes, a brain that betrays me at the worst possible moments, and a chest that looks like a road map...way better than the alternative.
Don't get me wrong. I am GRATEFUL. My gratitude overflows. Daily, it overflows. And it seems wrong somehow to use "grateful" and "but" in the same sentence. But I'm going to anyhow. I am grateful BUT I'm tired of ongoing c*r*a*p.
Still...my life isn't bad. I worry a lot. I'm anxious a lot. I'm afraid a lot. But I'm alive, and in general I feel great. I look normal, which is a blessing in itself. I don't look sick any more and I have a normal head of hair.
That's pretty good, right? It's all good. But it ain't over.
