Chemo: Round Six

You may be tired of hearing this and I'm certainly tired of saying it, but chemo S*U*C*K*S.  This last infusion beat me up with intense bone pain and neuropathy. And this was after they told me the new drug, Abraxane, would be easier for me with fewer side effects. 

Right. That's what they said about Taxol and look what happened there! Bone pain. Headache for days. Neuropathy. Ick.

What is it I blogged about back in the spring? Oh yea. They Lie. Indeed they do. About how much something will hurt, about the severity of side effects, about everything that matters in my world right now.

I said this before the last infusion, but I'm thinking really hard on it now...I may refuse the last two infusions. The Oncologist may take the matter out of my hands and decide not to do the last two infusions due to the neuropathy.  But aside from that...I may make that decision on my own.

I've had enough. My body has had enough. My spirit has had enough. I'm tired and worn out. Sick of being sick (I've said that before too....).

And now I have the mastectomy and reconstruction to look forward to in September. I need a break.

But on the other hand...even as I write this...I'm thinking: This is my one shot to kick this animal to the curb. There is no other therapy available for my type of cancer. This is it. Sigh.
On the upside, my appetite is coming back. Not much good tho since I can't really taste anything and my tongue is numb. But at least the sight of food doesn't make me gag any more. Small blessings.

I'm told chemo is sorta like the agony of childbirth. Once its over, you forget the pain and enjoy the wonder of your newborn child. So, once chemo is over I will forget the misery and enjoy being cancer free. Ummm....not so sure about that. Maybe. Need to think on that.

Ugh. I have two weeks to figure it out. Next infusion is Aug 1.

Chemo: Round Five

They told me these next four Taxol infusions would be like night and day difference from my last four Adramycian/Cytoxal infusions. I got excited. Really excited. Thought I'd have more energy, wouldn't feel sick for so long, thought I could see the light at the end of the chemo.

My idea of night and day difference must be twisted. They said not so many GI ailments. Check. They were right about that one. But they forgot to tell me about the bone pain. And the fire burning in my feet. And the "I'm thirsty but I'm too tired to reach into the cabinet for a glass" fatigue. This is someone's idea of different? 

Yea, ok. So its different. But it's still bad.

Just when I think I've seen the worst fatigue EVER, I discover I haven't. And is bone pain really that much better than nausea? Guess it depends on your perspective, or how badly your pelvis/legs/ankles/hands ache.

I'm not just disappointed, I'm down right annoyed. I called the nurse line Saturday morning to beg for drugs for the bone pain and the headache. The nurse didn't really want to leave the comfort of her AC in this heat wave to meet me at the office to hand off the serious drugs, cause she told me to take Tylenol alternated with Advil. Seriously? Has her pelvis ever felt like it was going to crack in half??  For this kind of pelvic pain, I expect to have a baby to show for my efforts.

This is the first time in my chemo career I've wanted or needed pain medication. Mostly, I just want the nausea to go away. I sorta get now how some folks would do crazy things for pain meds. Not that I'm in excruciating pain. Just enough pain for long enough to teeter at the emotional edge and make me consider telling my oncologist for flippin' forget the last three treatments.

But, no, I'll suck it up and take the last three treatments. But only if they give me enough pain meds to make me sleep through the following week. Or fly through it on rainbows. And in pretty dreams.