And there is nothing like cancer to help us discover our true friends, like my friend Laura who scrambled me eggs post-chemo because it’s the only thing I could keep down. Or sweetly sat with me while my head was hanging over a trash basket waiting for the wave of nausea to subside. Or the friends who just do kind things without being asked. They just show up and do it. God love ‘em.
I think of my friend Susan who accompanied me to most of my
chemo appointments. When I’d thank her, she’d look at me and sincerely say “it
was nothing”. Perhaps, but to me it was everything. I especially appreciated the picnic
lunch she packed for one of our chemo adventures. We pull up to the cancer
center, she opens her trunk, and takes out a picnic basket. It was full of
wonderful homemade goodies that wouldn’t make me hurl. I recall so clearly standing in the parking
lot with her feeling so surprised and delighted at the absurdity of something
so wonderful as a picnic in a chemo suite. That memory will stay with me
forever because of the incredible thoughtfulness behind it.
I’ve been surprised – and not surprised – at the response I
had from folks after announcing my diagnosis. I received support from very
surprising places, and it made me enormously grateful. On the other hand, I
received support in very self-serving ways from others. Never mind. I was so
sick this time last year, I’d happily take support anywhere I could get it, no
matter the agenda that came with it. Moving on.
I’ve also been surprised by the incredibly insensitive things
some folks have said to me, although I’ll admit it did sometimes take a few
minutes or a few days for the incredulousness to roll over me. Like the THREE
people who looked me in the eye said to me “oh my wife/sister/friend died from
that”. Seriously?
Or the folks who said “at least they caught it early”. Like catching
it early negatives the misery suffered for the last 18 months. The greatest
benefit to catching it early is that it didn’t kill me. Yet.
And the one comment that always makes me blink twice “isn’t
it great that you’re cured now?” Cured? For real? One is never cured from cancer like one can be cured
of a sore throat. Especially if you have Triple Negative disease. I am not cured. I am in remission. Two very
different things.
Still, insensitive comments and friends who did not behave
as I might have thought they should really don’t make me angry. They make me
shake my head or wonder why. Their attitudes are not my fault or my problem. However,
I will admit to feeling a tad hurt that the ex-husband never once called to
find out if I’d died yet. But really, after what I’ve been through, he seems
like a life time ago.
My cancer experience has taught me many many things. One of
the most important things is how to respond to a sick or grieving friend. I
never say “call me if you need anything” anymore because I now know that puts the onus on
the sick friend to actually pick up the phone if they need me, assuming they
will actually put their pride in their back pocket to ask for help. I start
thinking about what I can do to – in any small way – ease the situation.
Dinner? Take out the trash before I leave? Check your mail?
And the one thing I can always be counted on for is a plate
of homemade brownies. Brownies make everything better, according to my wonderful
friend Trish who ministered not only to me, but to my dog.
Friends don’t get any better than that.
