Disease free but not free of my disease

I’ve heard other cancer survivors say “I’m disease free, but I’m not free of my disease”. Initially, I thought they were referring to the emotional toll that cancer treatment takes on us. Now, I understand it’s both the physical and emotional.  

On occasion, I can get a little ticked at the whole thing. I’m done with treatment and surgeries…why am I still dealing with all the cancer crud?

Fatigue. I’m just freaking tired. A lot. Mornings are best, but I significantly slow down in the afternoons. Too often I make plans in the evening after work only to discover I’m too exhausted to find my shoes. That’s a bummer. I spent a year being sick and tired. Now I want to live. Except I’m too tired.  I worry that friends and family will become impatient with my constant refrain “I’m tired”.  I’ve read the fatigue from cancer treatment can last a year or more after treatment ends. Some say it lasts much longer. Egads.

Chemo brain. I’ve always been slightly forgetful and a tad ditzy, but I’ve never felt more stupid than since starting cancer treatment. During chemo, there were times I couldn’t complete a sentence. My brain just couldn’t find the words. I can speak in complete sentences now, but I am very forgetful. I’ve learned to compensate – my iPhone is my best friend in that regard. I take a lot of notes, take pictures, and record video on my phone to help me remember things. But hell…I’m in the prime of my life. I should be able to remember the TWO things I came into the grocery store for!

Neuropathy. I still can’t feel my toes. The numbness in my finger tips comes and goes. No pain, just a very odd sensation that reminds me of where I’ve been.

I should quit my bitchin’. I’m not in any pain except when I roll over the wrong way in my sleep and a fake boob gets in the way. And as far as we know, I’m cancer free. 

Except I’ve been having a lot of headaches.  I think it’s allergies, but who knows?  My type of cancer generally recurs within the first 3 years after treatment ends and it likes to hide in the brain. Maybe it returned at warp speed and is gleefully kicking around in my brain.  Maybe that’s why I keep forgetting to pick up Windex at the grocery store.

No, really…I think it’s allergy headaches. I live in the southern US where seasonal allergies are the norm.

It’s just allergies….right?

Living and loving forward

A little over a year ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Since that time, life has been one big roller coaster. There have been extreme highs and a few menacing super scary drops. Yep – breast cancer took me for a ride and changed my life forever.

That sounds dramatic. Changed my life forever. But it did. Probably in ways I don’t yet understand.  But I’m pretty sure I would not have chosen to drink the Sacred Juice (chemo), lose all my hair, or have my breasts cut off. However, all we’ve got are the cards we are dealt and there you have it…life.  It is what it is. What we do with it is our choice.

My gratitude for healing and good health overflows. I’ve written about it, talked about it endlessly, prayed over it. I am blessed in more ways than I can count.  I’ve read that cancer is an unexpected gift that brings us blessings and gifts disguised as infusions, needles, pills, stitches, and scars.  Amen.

Now, only 8 weeks after my last surgery, I feel myself moving on and bringing with me all that I’ve learned and all that I treasure.  But even as I move past the horror of the past year, I am still fearful. Fearful that it will return and I’ll have to do it all again. Fearful that I will have to hear those awful words again that set my world spinning. Recurrence.  The worst fear of all.

The question is how to move forward in spite of the fear. Simple. It’s the same as moving forward after the diagnosis into the treatment. That was scary as hell. But I did it anyhow. I took a long deep breath, cried more than a few tears, and lunged into what I knew I had to do in order to live.

It’s the same now…I will take a deep breath and lunge forward into the rest of my life.  Because it will be what it will be. So why not have a good time along the way?

Smile!