Disease free but not free of my disease

I’ve heard other cancer survivors say “I’m disease free, but I’m not free of my disease”. Initially, I thought they were referring to the emotional toll that cancer treatment takes on us. Now, I understand it’s both the physical and emotional.  

On occasion, I can get a little ticked at the whole thing. I’m done with treatment and surgeries…why am I still dealing with all the cancer crud?

Fatigue. I’m just freaking tired. A lot. Mornings are best, but I significantly slow down in the afternoons. Too often I make plans in the evening after work only to discover I’m too exhausted to find my shoes. That’s a bummer. I spent a year being sick and tired. Now I want to live. Except I’m too tired.  I worry that friends and family will become impatient with my constant refrain “I’m tired”.  I’ve read the fatigue from cancer treatment can last a year or more after treatment ends. Some say it lasts much longer. Egads.

Chemo brain. I’ve always been slightly forgetful and a tad ditzy, but I’ve never felt more stupid than since starting cancer treatment. During chemo, there were times I couldn’t complete a sentence. My brain just couldn’t find the words. I can speak in complete sentences now, but I am very forgetful. I’ve learned to compensate – my iPhone is my best friend in that regard. I take a lot of notes, take pictures, and record video on my phone to help me remember things. But hell…I’m in the prime of my life. I should be able to remember the TWO things I came into the grocery store for!

Neuropathy. I still can’t feel my toes. The numbness in my finger tips comes and goes. No pain, just a very odd sensation that reminds me of where I’ve been.

I should quit my bitchin’. I’m not in any pain except when I roll over the wrong way in my sleep and a fake boob gets in the way. And as far as we know, I’m cancer free. 

Except I’ve been having a lot of headaches.  I think it’s allergies, but who knows?  My type of cancer generally recurs within the first 3 years after treatment ends and it likes to hide in the brain. Maybe it returned at warp speed and is gleefully kicking around in my brain.  Maybe that’s why I keep forgetting to pick up Windex at the grocery store.

No, really…I think it’s allergy headaches. I live in the southern US where seasonal allergies are the norm.

It’s just allergies….right?