Chemo: Round Three

So I had my third chemo infusion on Wednesday. It was the worst yet of my visits to the chemo suite at Cancer Center of NC. Not because the infusion made me sick, but because the whole experience was just so awfully upsetting and overwhelming.

I am finding that my dread of chemo starts revving up the day before and by the time I am in the car headed in that direction, my poker face is drooping. Cried the whole way, while I was in the chair, and afterwards. It wasn't just the dread that left me in such a state, there were other influences.

One was the chaos in the chemo suite. Monday was a holiday, so they were herding 'em in the rest of the week. The place was freakin' crowded with sick people, the people who loved them, and the very busy nurses scurrying around. Right after I arrived, they had to call 911 for a man who had an allergic reaction to his treatment. I even heard the doctor tell the nurse to call 911. I got to watch the ambulance pull up and take him away. One down. Really wish I hadn't seen that.

I got to sit and watch the chaos for a good while before being called to begin my infusion. Got to truly absorb the urgent busy-ness of the place before taking my place before the needle and bags of poison that would make me feel like a cancer patient for the next 4 or 5 or 6 days. Or however long the chemo devil will choose to rack me this time.

I've read that a nearby cancer clinic is developing an outdoor meditation garden where you can take your chemo outdoors in relative quiet, weather permitting. And I fantasize about a chemo suite with little cubicles or rooms where you can take your poison with some dignity and quiet. As it is, the chemo suite is one big room with about 50 chairs. Think bull pin. It's loud and busy. Overwhelming.

There are two nice things about my chemo suite that I do appreciate. One is the bird feeders outside the windows. It's the only tiny little thing that can transport you from being a cancer patient with red fluids flowing into your arteries that will shortly make you feel like dirt to a place that is a little more peaceful and less life or death. And then there are the volunteers who come around with warm blankets and a pretty basket of snacks.

So far, I feel relatively good since this infusion, comparatively. I had extra fluids and anti-nausea meds infused yesterday. I slept well last night for the first night in a few. Sunday after infusion is usually my worst day, so keep your fingers crossed for me. And please...if you are so inclined, say a few prayers that I will be able to get through my next 5 infusions in a better state of mind. I'd really appreciate it.