Sick and Tired of Having Cancer

As the old saying goes, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of having Cancer. Done with it. Only problem is its not done with me.

This has been the worst of my chemo weeks. Things started looking up a bit yesterday, but only after days of wretchedness and trips to the doctor for fluids and yet more medications to fix what chemo broke. The skin on the bottom of my feet has started to crack so that it hurts to walk. My eyelashes are falling out. I have no sense of taste and everything smells terrible. I cry. A lot. Doc says the steroids amplify emotions making it hard to turn off the faucet. No kidding. I am exhausted yet I can't sleep. Everything upsets my tummy. My memory is shot and I have trouble stringing together a sentence or remembering if I've paid the cable bill.

Ugh. Life sucks. Cancer sucks. Chemo sucks.

Duly looking for the bright side, I've lost 10 pounds. That's a good thing, right? And I have only one more round of the really bad chemo. The last four infusions will be with a drug that will have side effects, but not as bad. Let's hope.

I keep reading that chemo is "doable". Sure, it's doable, so long as the alternative is six feet under. Anything is "doable" under those circumstances. That's overly dramatic and morbid, I know. But the idea that chemo is "doable" is stupid to me. Doable is mastering the art of french cooking or learning to knit. Not making your way through chemo.

I returned to work week before last. My doc wishes I would not try to work right now. She says most people can't work through this. Its the only thing that makes me feel normal even if I have to massage my days around various side effects.

Feeling normal. I want to feel normal. I want to have dinner with friends, go to a movie, plant pretty things in my yard. Cook. I miss cooking. I want to stop obsessing over insurance payments and upcoming infusions. I want to go to the beach. I want to fly somewhere sunny and tropical. I want to read a trashy novel and think about having shrimp for dinner with a good bottle of wine. I want something other than....cancer. Something happy and pleasant.

I sure sound whiny this morning, huh? That's ok. I can whine when I want, sleep when I want, eat what I can when I can. Having cancer gives me the right...maybe its one of the perks of having cancer! So I'll embrace my selfishness cause it's probably one of the few times in my life I can get away with it. Whine away!