Been a while

It's been a while since I've written about my cancer and chemo experiences, about three weeks. Partially because my fingers have been numb from the neuropathy and typing is an odd sensation. Not painful, just weird. But mostly because I haven't known what to say that wasn't a repeat of what's already been said: chemo sucks.


I find that cancer and the related chemo side effects take over my head. On the days I feel good, my gratitude in having a good day is what sticks in my head, which is an upliftingly positive spin on my normal. I had a three week break between chemo infusions this time, and that extra week really made a difference. I could feel my body and my spirit healing. 


My last infusion was 6 days ago and I'm still reeling from it. Maybe cause its cumulative. I've kicked the last of the Aridimyciam side effects from the first 4 infusions, thankfully. But the last two infusions of Abraxane have gifted me with a whole other problem. Bone pain. Intense-almost-make-me-cry deep bone pain. It seriously intensified yesterday afternoon and has let up just a little since. 


My docs have thrown everything but the kitchen sink at it and they are very responsive when I call to whine. Onconologists don't like their patients to hurt. Distraction helps. Hot water running over my legs help.  Heating pad helps. Sleep is a blessing, especially when the steriods allow it. 


But I just can't help wondering why in the world all these medical types can't make it stop. It's easy to blame them for my pain. Of course, that isn't fair and it's not their fault. But this sort of discomfort plays heavily on my emotional state and I have high expectations that there must surely be something that can make it go away. 


My emotions are already all over the place, I'm told due to the steriods which tend to amplify everything. They are supposed to be helping the bone pain but I'm thinking they're a waste. I don't see any difference taking them, except they cause insomnia and emotional outbursts. Seriously? I'm taking a pill which does nothing but keep me awake and make me cry. Trash. Can.