At last: Self pity

It's taken a while to set in. I've read that many women with a breast cancer diagnosis sink into depression, self-pity, and lots of "why me?" moans.

I'm generally not prone to self pity. And I have a killer self survival instinct. Life has kicked me in the ass plenty. From unruly teenagers, unfaithful husbands, two simultaneously terminally ill parents, to job layoffs. I've not been immune to life's little bumps. But are you kidding me? After all this, now I have cancer?

What's going on here? Am I not living right? I try to live a good life, be good to others, consider how my actions impact those around me, give my only child every thing I have to give. Financially and otherwise. I rescue homeless pets, love my neighbors, love lost children, and go to church. So what gives? Why me?

I suppose the real question should be "why not me"? Why should I escape a disease that hits millions of women every year. Do they deserve to have breast cancer? Of course not. No more than I do.

Although I've had my "why me" moments, they never last long. I'm having one this morning in fact, but I know the fog will have lifted by the afternoon. I have an appointment with a new doctor today, someone I have not seen before. A medical oncologist, who will tell me how the remainder of my treatment is going to muck up my life in the next few months. I dread it terribly. It scares me. I am one week out from a hysterectomy that kicked my ass in ways I did not expect. Now, I have to talk with yet another doctor about a treatment plan that will be painful, scary, and likely leave me more exhausted than I've ever been in my life. Not to mention bald.

Yay. Can't wait.

In spite of all this darkness, I had a beautiful "ah ha" moment on Saturday night. I was out to dinner with my cousin - we had been seated in the restaurant's outdoor patio. It was a beautiful spring evening, I was dining with one of my favorite people on earth, and in front of me sat one of the best salads in town with two yummy crabcakes.

I love moments like that. Moments when I stop the chaos in my head long enough to recognize the beauty of the moment. I remember thinking how incredibly lucky I was to be sitting here in that wonderful moment. I have breast cancer, had two emotionally traumatic surgeries in the last two weeks, and have weeks of treatment ahead of me. How lucky am I to be alive? How lucky am I to be sitting there in that moment?

My illness is not going to kill me. Not even close. It may make me miserable, but it isn't going to be what kills me. Life will have to toss something else my way for that.