Emotional Energy

Naturally, one of the things I've heard time and again with regards to finding my way through cancer is to avoid stress. Easier said than done, right? Let us count the stress...in no particular order.

First, there's the stress of my job. I'm on leave. Paid leave initially, which is a true blessing, but my employer won't wait forever for me to find my way back.  I work in a fast-paced manic environment. They'll be moving on to the next thing before you can say "Triple Negative Breast Cancer".  I will be yesterday's news. So 21 seconds ago.

Then, there's the stress of having a potentially lethal illness. It's not just being sick that's an issue. It's the zillion little things that go along with it. The never-ending doctor appointments. The ridiculous number of prescriptions that fill my medicine cabinet. Trying to figure out what to eat and when. Inability to sleep. Anti-bacterial soap and all the crap you need for chemo like ice packs and IV ports.

There's all the life stuff that doesn't wait for my cancer to be cured. Like paying bills, getting the cat to the vet, supporting my college student, unloading the dishwasher, filing insurance claims, etc. Folks say to me "you should just focus on getting well". A kind but very unreasonable thought. Life doesn't stop just because you have cancer.

Then there's all the decisions that must be made. That's probably the most stressful for me. Decisions around every little life thing - from treatment options to grocery shopping to managing personal relationships. I am a thinker. I have to reason my way through things and I don't necessarily do it on anyone's time table except my own. It can take 10 minutes or it can take months. Don't rush me. It stresses me.

All this takes emotional energy. At a time when I have none. Zip. People tell me I'm a very strong person. Personally, I think I'm a coward and a wimp. My bank account of emotional energy is depleted, yet the questions and decisions just keep on coming.

Wonder if they can infuse a little emotional energy when they're infusing the poison into my body this week that will supposedly help prevent my cancer from invading my brain or my bones or my liver?

I'll ask. After all, if you don't ask, the answer is always no.